see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
