dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
