I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
