somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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