You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
