what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
