I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
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then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
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i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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