The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
