Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
