is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
