he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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