dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were destined to go to rehab together
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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