you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
