I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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