i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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