Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
