Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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