winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
