I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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