im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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