i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
