After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
