at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
