Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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