At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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