Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
