Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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