omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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