I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
