My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
