I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
