my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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