chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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