Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
