i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
