Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
God, I missed his penis.
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