Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
