I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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