youre lurking in front of me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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