My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
