If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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