It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
