apparently the secret to your success is patron
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This is classic penis vs brain.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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