and you said cock pushups were impossible
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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