awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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