Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
