if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
