If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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