grandma shit on top of the toilet
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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