he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
