I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
