If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
